Guilt

So there's this girl.

(typical start to my stories eh?)

She invited me to have dinner with a bunch of friends at one of their apartments. She said it'd be different than the typical college gathering, and she was pretty cute, so naturally I said, sure I'll come.

So I got to the apartment, went inside sat down. There were about 6 or 7 Indian guys and girls, chilling, as college guys and girls are wont to do. The smell of authentic south indian food wafted from the kitchen; soft hindi music was playing in the background. I was pleasantly surprised at the atmosphere this place, but I hadn't seen anything yet....

After a couple of hours of chatting/chilling/laughing, it was time for dinner. Automatically, everyone started moving the couch/coffee table to the side, and spread a thin sheet on the ground. Pots of hot indian food (sambar, idli, masala dosas, etc.. :D ) were set in the middle. But wait...the best was yet to come. Banana leaves were set down all around the sheet, and food was served. Before we ate a bite, we said a small slogham (a prayer in sanskrit), one that i've known by heart since i was two years old. Dinner was spent discussing current events in india and around the world, we expressed our opinions about the caste system in India, and various interesting topics.

It was an amazing evening.

So why is this post titled "Guilt"?

I came to a realization recently. I was watching Russell Peter's 1 hour comedy sketch, "Red, White, and Brown" (amazingly hilarious, especially the part about body hair...). Something he said made me pause and take a look at my life. He was saying that he was on his way to India for a show, and he was feeling particularly proud of how "indian" he felt. Then the door open, and he "turned canadian SO fast you wouldn't even believe it. See that's the thing, when you say that you're an Indian person, you actually could be talking about one of two things: race or culture." Racially, sure I'm indian... I've got the brown skin, the body hair, the low average height, the high tolerance for spice...etc.

But culturally... am I? I, who have always prided myself in listening to the bollywood songs, who always goes to the parties, who always makes the typical jokes about indian parents, who loves the food, to watching the movies. Does that make me indian culturally? It occurred to me.... no...that doesn't make me indian culturally. I fear that I'm an american desi teenager, who subscribes to the fun and interesting and consumer part of Indian culture, rather than embodying everything that's part of my culture.

I'm an Indian citizen, I was born and raised there for 9 years. I was brought up with the habits of saying prayers every day when I woke up and took a shower, and before every meal. I was brought up with the custom of reading about our history, and our religious mythology at least once a week. And when we moved here, I was accustomed to speaking in Tamil fluently, everyday so that I don't lose that part of my history. But when I look at myself today, it seems like that person doesn't exist anymore. And that's something that I very much want to change. There seems to be this social norm among American Desis to shun, well not shun, but avoid certain aspects of being an Indian because...well frankly it's not "cool".

Fuck that.

That's who I was, and I'd be damn proud to say " That's who I am."

So yeah, if people think its weird that I'd listen to indian music just as loudly as i would american music, or that I wear traditional clothing and have ash on my forehead because it's a religious festival, then that's too bad for them, because that's how I spent my childhood, and that's something I really want to reclaim.

Hope you all are well..